Independent writing

(May 10th, 2009)

Dreams are just too powerful. I have come to a conclusion; dreams are not just a movie we play in our heads when we fall asleep. I have always ignored my dreams and figured that once you wake up it’s over, right? Well, it wasn’t until the weekend I began to think differently. 

It’s not a secret, my grades suck, and summer school might be my calling. I have laughed at the thought of failing for years. I have never failed, but I had a dream that I might actually fail English. Beyond my cocky behavior and point of view toward failing the dream hit me hard. The logic involved in my dream was unbelievable I have spent so much time caring for the other classes that I have that English was dumb to try for; I mean I don’t fail I can get it up.

Well, I realized after my dream that I was the dumb one English is one of the only classes I have that I actually need to pass, and the only one I am failing. I realized there is a possibility that I may and most likely at this point fail. I saw myself losing every college goal I had and I saw the letter in my hands as I dropped to my knees.  

Dreams are too important to ignore I fear they have a deeper meaning than what we give credit for. So maybe I’ll pay more attention to my dreams.

(February 22nd Independent writing)

Sibling rivalry doesn’t even begin to cover it. I have one sister, her name is Katherine and she is two years younger than I. For years now my sister and I have been the absolute best of friends, and turn around to be the worst of enemies.  We fight about the stupidest things and nag at each other beyond comprehension. My sister and I have always competed for everything, even the things that you can’t really compete for. We would always go back and forth, who was the favorite this week to who had the better life between the two.  My parents always told us our competitive nature toward each other was unhealthy, and we would drive each other to the grave. We’ve thrown things at each other, yelled, screamed, and cried. It depends on the day that my sister will even admit that we are related, some days she’s just pissed and ignores my existence. Before my sister and I went to the same school, Legacy, she was my best friend, a shoulder to cry on, and punching bag to yell at. When she began to go to high school the kid that I got so close to became just another annoying freshman. Even today we refuse to admit we’re related so much so that some friends of mine don’t even know I have a sister until I complain about her.  Coming to high school our competitive nature only got worse, as she enrolled in almost the same freshman courses I did she strived to be better than me.  She bragged about her grades, her teacher’s love for her, and thrown back my previous mistakes that I had made; just what I needed. My mother told me that I was older and that I should be the bigger person and take it, “she is just proud of her self,” she told me.  Proud and arrogant began to look the same to me. Soon nothing became important to my sister but school she had great grades, but never hung out with friends; I became the exact opposite. Again, more topics my sister and I could compete and fight over. Her and I still fight and are constantly competing for something, we hardly ever get along anymore, nor do we talk really, sad isn’t it?

(February 13^th independent writing 2)  

Sex upon the teenage population is over done entirely, not only is it just the fact that they’re having sex, but the fact it has become a fad annoys me. I don’t believe that anyone in high school is emotionally stable enough to handle sex. Sex changes people and even though a high school relationship may seem stronger as a result of sex; reality is it makes a relationship useless.  

Walking down the halls of Legacy I find myself utterly disgusted by the various PDA. I understand a kiss between couples even the holding of each other in the hallway, but tonsil tennis isn’t necessary at school. I am even able to admit that making out between couples is acceptable, but away from a public environment.   

I give most students the credit of being well-educated in sex education, and proper use of the condom, but still bewildered on the significance among teens. I’ve come across this problem with many people at school and they insist on telling me that they are in love with each other and it’s not just sex. If it was love wouldn’t it be in a reasonable state of mind to wait until both were emotionally ready for it? I am not saying abstinence is the way to go, and I am not against sex before marriage. I am just sick of teenagers having sex just to have sex, and listening to countless regrets of the people that have.

Most friends I have addressed the topic with have agreed with me just to go and do it again. I would be happier if they kept it between them and their chosen partner not in the hallways of my school and as a mode of acceptance. Guys have always been guys, no offense, but lately I know more girls than guys wanting sex and nothing but. I don’t pretend to know why this is or hold myself higher of others when I’ve made the same mistakes, but it wasn’t until someone very close to me made the same mistakes that I did to realize it was wrong.  

 (February 13th independent writing 1)

The future always seems so far off, and before you know it, it arrives. I remember when I was younger; I watched my mother through college, and I was told since I’ve been in school that is where I was headed too, college.  It always seemed so far off and it never really hit me how near it really was. Parents and teachers always talked about how this or that will effect you and your chances of getting into college, but I never listened. 

In fact, it wasn’t until literally this morning looking at my embarrassing excuse for a transcript, and talking to a girl in my math class that it hit me. I started to think about it and realized that now the goal of getting into college is almost non-existent. I began to cry and punch a few numbers when I realised my only shot is to get straight A’s next year and fix the grades I currently have.

At this moment community college is looking like the only way, or the army. My father’s side of the family isn’t known for college, but is respected for being apart of  armed  forces. I was told since I was thirteen I should do that before college, and again never listened. 

So I realized today, thanks to the epiphany from hell, that not only should you listen to the people that have been there, but swallowing pride and asking for help is sometimes the best option you have. I also learned that the future that is so far off, really isn’t, life really is to short and sometimes what doesn’t seem fun now might possibly help you in the future and because of that it is worth attempting at the very least.  

(February 10th independent writing) 

High school is a disease, simple as that. I am so tired of the same old rut the same times, rules, clones, everything is sickly. I am bored and annoyed. I don’t like the people associated with high school and I don’t like being in the building its self.  I get annoyed by the simplest of activities, unless it is new or fun I have no interest. I am done with the smell, sight, and feel of the school. I assume everyone gets sick of going to school and work , but I am beyond that point.

I am at the verge of saying that I was born in a generation with no originality, and that saddens me more than anything else. Fads have always come and gone but never have I heard of it making cattle out of people. Everyone talks the same, dresses the same and I am convinced have virtually the same thoughts.  I am also told that if I was more positive that things would become better, but I don’t understand how that is possible when everything annoys me. 

It seems like the classes have even got repetitiveve.  Teachers talk to me as if I can’t comprehend what they’re saying, and that annoys me.  I have always thought of myself as a smart person when I relax an apply my self, but I don’t see the point anymore, I suppose senioritus hit me early. I feel that the only way to adapt is to succeed and I can do that if I can learn to buckle down and care.  Sounds like a good opportunity to make a new start in the middle of a bad beginning.

(January 18th 2009)

Dictionaries describe fears as, “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid” (Webster’s). Curiously enough I looked up my greatest fear, the dictionary described my fear to me as, “the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism,” (Webster’s).   

 

Death has been a fear of mine ever since I lost my faith in God. I have always loathed the feeling of unknowing. When I don’t know something, I have no control, it’s inevitable to happen, and removes everything from the life I’ve learned to accept; I fear it.  

 

I am a person of fact and reason; if I don’t agree with you, enough fact will at least have me accept your view as an educated individual.  I have never understood why asking questions were bad, nor have I found one religion to explain any concept to me without winding back at, “you’ve got to have faith.” I need more than faith, I need fact, and again unknowing.

 

Even though the matter is inevitable, and the only way to prolong it from happening is the obvious. I don’t see a point in blaming imaginary characters for my problems, nor will I go out of my way to prolong my life if it comes back in regret. I don’t want to wonder what would happen if I didn’t do something, I want to do it, if it shortens my life so be it its inevitable anyways.

 

What a paradox that I cause my greatest fear on a day-to-day basis, and still manage to look back and laugh at the stupidity of it all.  

 

(some other date)

At the begining of the year, we were asked yo write a letter regading our goals. My letter was anything but. Don’t get me wrong. I wrote of straight A’s and a good year; however, I learned its onlt a goal if you’re willing to put forth the effort to obtain it.

The new semester came along, and finally a silver lining. A newbeginingwasplaced in my lap, and I couldn’t need it more. As much as  I’d like to say my goals are to get straight A’s, I know I am not going to spend the hours after school to obtain those grades. I had to learn the hard way that partying is fun, granted, but not worth it.

My grades started to fall, and teachers got annoyed. As much as I complained  about my falling grades, I didn’t do anything, still partied. This semester I won’t quit the parties as much as I’d like to tell you I would, but cutting back? No problem.

So, real goals: grades up, all homework in, party only on weekends, and to earn back lost respect. I got a new start and I intend to use it. I feel my mistakes are flawless, and I learned regret is only a lesson. I want to use the help I’ve been offered last semester and quit the bad habits that I used to hold me back.

Shit happens,but nothing is impossible to change.